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Article 9

I don’t usually read the New York Times at home because there’s no one there to see me do it.

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Article 8

Woody Allen is a symbol of everything that’s wrong with Woody Allen.

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Article 7

The road less travelled has become rather crowded of late.

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Article 6

I’ve become bored by my dirtiest fantasies. I blame it on their achievement.

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Article 5

Anyone who calls my work barbaric has never had their head split in half with an axe.

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Article 4

I may hate the person I become when drinking but in all fairness I don’t think he cares for me either.

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Article 3

I saw myself represented as a dot on a graph and not unflatteringly.

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Article 2

Every man thinks that playing the stock market is like shooting fish in a barrel. What each man fails to realize is that he’s the fish.

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Article 1

No one admits to being a hipster for the same reason no refers to himself as a douche bag.

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Article 0

Every flaw in my character is quietly salvaged as evidence of my genius.

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